I’ve spent the past couple of years coming out to people – and most of my friends and family have been wonderful, supportive and sensitive. But a few – usually people I don’t know so well – seem to need a little coaching. So I thought I’d write a piece on things not to say to trans women.
Now, I’m quite open about being trans and, like most trans people I’ve met, I like talking about it. So if people ask me some of the questions listed here, I’m not going to be that bothered.
But I reckon I’m in a minority here – and that most trans women WILL mind. So bear that in mind and, if you are going to ask them intimate questions, maybe wait until you know them well, and try to be subtle.
These are all questions I’ve been asked by cis people. Here goes:
- Are you having your dick chopped off? This just had to be number one! I was once asked this by a drunken hen on a hen night but it’s usually one that guys ask you. “Are you going all the way then?” is another variation. I may or may not have surgery – I’ll decide after estrogen rewires my brain. If you’d asked me two years ago, I’d have said definitely not. A year ago: probably not. Now, I’m thinking: possibly. But this is a massively personal thing, and most trans women hate being asked about it. You wouldn’t ask a cis woman about her genitals, so it’s usually best not to ask trans women about theirs, too.
- So are you going to start dating blokes then? Another classic. It’s like cis people suddenly forget there are gay, bi and lesbian people in the world and that, if you’re transitioning from male to female, you’ll turn from a straight man into a straight woman. Doesn’t work like that, folks. If you fancy women before transition, you’re still going to fancy them after. The only thing that will change is the label. I used to consider myself a straight man. I suppose I’ll end up a lesbian, albeit a trans lesbian. I don’t like labels. I fancy women – always have, always will. I don’t need a lesbian label.
- Thank you, sir. Alright, mate? Cheers, chap: Call me any of these male titles and it really gets my back up, even if I’m just in androgynous mode (don’t like to call it boy mode anymore). There’s one guy at my local Aldi who throws “Sir” around like conversation confetti. Worse still is when presenting as female. I’ve not had it much in this country, but a few waiters and barmen on my last trip to Greece thought it was hilarious to call me Sir when clearly I was presenting as female. Twats.
- Can you tone it down a bit? This is the sort of thing that certain relatives might ask a trans woman. These are the kind of relatives who don’t believe trans women really exist and that they’re just blokes in dresses. So they might ask you tone it down a bit or “come dressed as a man” just so that they feel more comfortable. Sorry, you’re a bigot. I’ll wear what the fuck I want to wear – and I’d never dream of telling you what you should and shouldn’t wear.
- Real woman: This might be said as a backhanded compliment, such as: “Ooooh, you look amazing – you look just like a real woman.” What they mean is cis (ie not trans) woman. Trans women ARE women – it’s just that it takes some of us a little longer to get there than others. If you were born female and are happy with being female, bully for you. Some of us aren’t so fortunate, but we’re just as real.
- You don’t look that feminine, though: Many people assume that, when someone comes out as a trans woman, they will present as super-feminine all the time – painted nails, wig, full makeup, frocks, heels, every day. I adore dressing up for a night out but, if I’m just popping round the corner to my local supermarket, I’m more than happy in a baggy jumper and a pair of combats, thanks very much. Another reason is baby steps. I’m not one of those people who feels brave enough to present “en femme” all the time yet. That time will come, but not quite yet. So maybe I “don’t look feminine enough” to you, but tough titty. I’m also very confident that, when I do make the effort, I look pretty damned good.
- What is your real name? I have literally just been asked this by a cis woman on a dating app. FFS, it’s Andie, you twat! Trans people’s former names are known as deadnames. Some despise being asked about their former name, so again, best not to. Speaking personally, I don’t mind anyone asking. It’s Andrew Neil on my birth certificate. I’m now legally Andie Nell. What I do object to is being deadnamed – ie still being called Andrew in conversation. This only happens these days with my family (my friends have known me as Andy for years, so it’s easier for them). And, to be fair, my family are finally making an effort these days, too. But referring to your deadname as a “real” name? Feck off!
- He said, she said: As well as our names changing, so do our pronouns. I still don’t consider myself a trans woman yet – I’ve only just started HRT, my body is still male and I still consider myself non-binary transfeminine. But I also realise that, one day soon, I will consider myself a trans woman. I’ve not yet asked anyone to use she/her pronouns, but I feel ten feet tall when they do. Whether it’s on Facebook, at my Slimming World group or (especially) from my family, it means so much. I’m still OK with he/his (unless presenting as female) but I know I won’t be in a year or so. Misgendering is not cool.
- So will you stop drinking beer and watching the football? This is a classic my dad came out with – as did another bloke down the pub. I think things like this come from older people, who still think that things like beer, football and engines are men-only. No, Dad, I’m still going to love football and beer, as many other women do. I’m not going to start drinking Babycham and watching netball (not that there’s anything wrong with either!) and it’s pretty unlikely that I’ll be taking up flower arranging and crochet any time soon. Outdated stereotypes, honestly. I’m not turning into a fecking Stepford Wife!
- Are you sure this is what you want? Followed by a list of negatives – the trouble in finding or holding down a job, the medical risks, how tricky it’s going to be finding a new partner (actually way easier than when I was a guy – more on that later!), the medical risks, what will everyone think? Yadda, yadda. Well, I’ve known I’m trans since I was six or seven – and for many trans people, they know when they’re toddlers. I spent the next four decades wondering what to do, whether I should come out, whether I was brave enough to transition. It’s something I’ve thought about and read up on rather a lot. Yes, I’m fecking sure!
This list is aimed at mainly nice people, who might just struggle when it comes to understand what to say and what not to say. If you want a more comprehensive list of what not to say from a transphobia point of view, you need to read my post, An A to Z of TERF bullshit.
As I said earlier, most trans people love talking about their experiences, so don’t worry – please keep asking the questions. Just don’t ask stupid ones!
Andie xxx
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