Sometimes, I need to tell myself this. Because I’m forever thinking about how far I’ve got to go, it’s so easy to lose sight of how far I’ve come.
Just over two years ago, I was a guest at my friends’ wedding. I’d met Rachel and Chris in the office at which we all worked together (they first met there, too).
Back in October 2016, I wasn’t yet “out” as trans, apart from to a few close friends, Rachel and Chris among them. I’d told Rachel a few months earlier on Facebook Messenger.
*Scrolls back through Facebook Messenger for her reaction…*
Good on you! Trans power, WOO!
Ha ha! It’s fair to say that she’s been completely supportive ever since. A true trans ally and a brilliant friend.
Anyway, the wedding was a wonderful affair at a beautiful late 19th-century hotel. Rachel looked utterly stunning, in stark contrast to me – I wasn’t presenting as female at all that day.
I remember the room in which the ceremony took place lighting up as she walked in. I also remember thinking: I’ll never have the guts to marry as a bride – I’m probably destined to be a f*cking groom!
Regular readers of this blog will know that I’m taking this transition slowly – baby steps. I’m not “setting myself a date to go full-time” or anything like that. I’m just taking things slowly, getting a little more confident all the time.
Anyway, Rachel, Chris and I meet up every few months for drinks, food and lots of laughter. Last night was one such occasion – we met up at a top pub in the big city, and I turned up in a red skirt, black jumper and tights, makeup, etc, etc. It was the first time either had seen me en femme.
Yet I wasn’t particularly nervous about it because I know they’re both trans allies and I’ve been to this particular pub en femme a few times and never had any issues. It’s also just won the Pub of the Year title for the umpteenth time, and I love the old place. All real fires, candlelight and amazing beers from its own brewery. It’s one of my favourites.
It was busier than normal for a Sunday night as I walked in just in time for Chris, who was at the bar, to buy me a pint of oatmeal stout, and then I went in search of Rachel.
I didn’t even recognise her at first – she looked like she’d just had a professional makeover for a fashion shoot! Anyway, I sat down with her and she said I looked amazing – and I repaid the compliment.
Chris arrived with fine ales and then we spent the next few hours catching up, talking utter nonsense and laughing our heads off, as we always do when we’re together. The food was incredible, too.
But the point of this blog post (we’re getting there, honest!) is that I need to remind myself more often how far I’ve come on my journey.
I’m forever writing about how the hormones aren’t really doing much yet, how my hair’s still got a long way to go before I can create anything like a feminine style with it, how I need to lose more weight, yadda, yadda, yadda.
But Rachel, who reads this blog religiously, bless her (don’t forget to click those adverts for me, hun!) said last night that she was really proud of me (blush!) and that I’d come such a long way.
And I guess she’s right. Back in October 2016, I was still getting over losing my long-term girlfriend, Georgie, and I was just another statistic on the NHS waiting list for my first gender clinic appointment.
I had no idea whether the clinic would approve of me going on HRT due to my DVT history and my “non-binary-ness”.
Fast-forward two years and, yeah, I guess quite a lot has happened. I’ve started estrogen and T-blockers, I’ve come out to everyone who knows me and, with one or two exceptions, that’s gone incredibly well. I’m presenting as female more and more, and getting more confident every time I do so.
After a few misgivings from the family, their early concerns have now been ironed out and they’ve all seen me en femme now. I’ll even be wearing a posh frock in front of all the relatives on Christmas Day this year. And who’d have thought just a year ago that my mum and sister would take me for a makeover and girly clothes shopping for my birthday?
So yeah, I do need to remind myself more often how far I’ve come. I’ll never be “proud” of the fact, as I don’t really *do* pride, but I guess I am pleased because, five years ago, I’d have never dreamed I’d have the balls, as it were, to transition.
Yet, here we are!
Oh, just one thing more. Rachel and Chris both told me that the skin on my face looks loads softer than before. Another fabulous pal, Carolyn, told me the same thing when I saw her a couple of weeks ago.
I’d not really noticed, as I see my fizzog in the mirror every day. But I suppose if people you only see every few months notice it, they must be right. Hoorah for estrogen – I guess it’s starting to do its thing after all.
Finally, I know I’ve said this before and I’ll no doubt say it again: if you’re transgender, make sure you surround yourself with Rachels, Chrisses and Carolyns – fab friends who are supportive. Don’t do this alone.
And it’s sometimes easy to think the world’s against you when you’ve got national newspapers like The Times and The Mail putting the boot in with transphobic coverage every other day, not to mention the bitter and twisted TERFs of this world.
For every poisonous TERF, there are hundreds of other people who are on your side. Maybe they’ve never met a trans person before – maybe you’ll need to answer a few questions so that they can understand what it’s like to be trans.
But, from my experience, apart from one or two people who are no longer friends, everyone has been incredibly supportive and understanding. Surround yourself with this kind of person, and ignore the haters. Then, in a couple of years time, they might tell you how proud they are of you, and how far you’ve come.
Andie xxx
Soupdragon says
You HAVE come a long way – and 2019 will be even better. It’s my turn to be poorly at the moment but let’s meet up in the new year
Andie Pas de Deux says
Thanks Soupy, and I’d love that. Hit me with some dates, or nothing will happen! xxx
Jane J Jackson says
The more I read others experiences transitioning, the more I feel like a real maverick for jumping in both feet! I guess I felt I had waited decades to live my dream, I want going lose any more of the youth I had left. I started at 37 and am now 40. I belted I went a whole 3 months on E and T-blockers and started getting tiny little boobs pointing out, wearing bra under male outfits was something was used to fit comfort for years, but once I actually had real ones filling the cups… I showed up at work as female, made a “My name is now…” sigh on my work station and was “out” from then on to everyone except my 92yr old grandfather as I didn’t think he could handle and didn’t want shorten the little life he had left! I plowed they it with all the confidence could muster and took the bus as they came… Now, very few even know I was ever anyone else… I’m from the South originally, so losing all my family was a given. My son no longer getting cards was a surprise, but then disowning me was expected as cost of entry.
Anyway, I say don’t lose another second! Enjoy every second of whatever is left of your youth as the clock only runs one way and you don’t get prettier as time goes on, you get “dignified”, so get all the “pretty” for you can, if you can muster up the courage! I have yet to hear a transitive person say, “I wish I had waited more and done it later and more slowly”… Just say ‘n! Lol
Andie Pas de Deux says
So sorry to hear about your family, Jane. That sucks. I’m lucky in that *most* people are OK with trans issues in the UK these days – but even then, some of those who appear OK then turn on you in some of the worst ways imaginable. From my experience, anyway. More on that later.
But life’s pretty good at the moment. All that crap is long behind me, and I only surround myself with positive people who love me now.
And bless you for the “youth” comment. I’m actually 45 – but someone in the pub on Saturday said I looked 34! That was without makeup, too. Makeup makes me look even younger.
Andie xxx