How I learned to stop worrying and love my life

Just a short post, this one, but I just wanted to write something about happiness – I’m in a really good place right now, despite the efforts of one or two people to make me sad.

I’m really happy! I’m 45 now and, for the past 25 years or so, I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression. I know these are tiny things compared to some people’s mental health problems, but they’re still no fun – especially as I couldn’t get a diagnosis for a couple of years.

Since then, the blues and the panic attacks are under control and, while I still get the occasional down day, I know what it is and I can deal with it.

But, for the past few weeks, I’ve felt really happy with life – and really calm inside. Whether this is because I’m on HRT, I dunno. But, whatever the reason, it feels great.

It’s a week since Pride now – and I think that really helped. There were a couple of people who tried to get to me, such as the Asian shopkeeper who laughed in my face.

A year or two ago, I’d have hit the roof and probably told him to fuck off, at the top of my voice. It was an attitude that probably would have ended up with me getting a bloody nose.

But that didn’t happen last Saturday. I just sort of rose above it. I told him calmly that it was Pride day and that, “today of all days”, he shouldn’t be behaving like that. Then I told him he’d lost a customer, and off I trotted.

A year or so ago, I’d have given him a piece of my mind, told him not to be a transphobic twat and shouted at him lots. Especially after the amount of beer I’d tucked away at that point.

But because Pride was full of such love, joy and acceptance, I was almost Zen-like in my response. I just rose above it and took the attitude: “If you wanna be a bigot, that’s too bad, but don’t expect me to shop with you anymore. I’m surrounding myself with people who love me. That’s not you, pal. I’ll take my pink pound elsewhere.”

There were plenty of other shops in town with rainbow flags and balloons in the windows. I know which shops contain the trans allies, even trans staff. I’ll be shopping with them in future.

I sort of feel like Obi-Wan Kenobe in the original Star Wars film. Shortly before being “killed” by Darth Vader, Obi-Wan tells him: “If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.”

Here you go:

What I’m trying to say is that if you’re going to “hate on me”, to use that modern phrase, that’s OK because you’re the one consumed by bitterness and rage. And because I have so much love and joy in my life, I just rise above it.

Every time I rise above it, I just feel happier and more full of love. I look down at you and your bigotry and I feel so desperately sorry for you. And you know how Darth Vader ends up, right?

Someone sent a (probably drunken) message via the blog during the latter stages of Pride last weekend. Initially, I didn’t post it because, as I say on the homepage, this is a TERF-free zone. But allow me to post it here just to illustrate what I’ve been saying:

“Oh yay… oh yay… queer yea, queer yea…”
Sandy-ie
sandytrannytranstrans@bummers.gay

Yeah, thanks Sandy/Sandie. I’d write you a proper thank-you response by email, but something tells me the “bummers.gay” domain doesn’t exist. I really hope you get the help you need.

So yeah, life’s really good at the mo. My new job is probably the best job I’ve ever had – and my colleagues are all brilliant. They’re not just colleagues, they’re firm friends.

And Pride has really helped me to come out of my shell more than ever. Since last weekend, I now walk through the town centre with my head held high. It’s amazing how one event has given me so much confidence.

Anyway, that’s me done. If you’re reading this, I hope you’re happy and full of love. If you’re one of the bad guys, maybe stop visiting the blog and do something positive with your time and efforts? This place isn’t for you.

Andie xxx