Sexuality and non-binary people

“How would you describe your sexuality?” I was asked this question at my local LGBT+ centre a couple of weeks ago, and I was a bit flummoxed.“Er, straight… ish,” was my stumbling reply.

I’ve always thought of myself as “straight with knobs on”, if you’ll pardon the pun. By that, I mean I fancy women – and that means cis-women and trans-women.

During puberty, when lots of people were questioning their sexuality, I was perfectly at peace with mine. I’d always fancied girls and those feelings were here to stay. I saved my worries for those over my gender instead.

I adore all things feminine – you know that already, right? – and I can’t stand smelly, hairy, sweaty blokes. I could never share a bed with a male friend, and the thought of kissing a man is utterly repulsive to me.

Yet give me a trans-woman with her male bits intact and that would be absolutely fine with me. And not just for me but for millions of “straight guys” worldwide. Just look at the amount of “shemale/ladyboy” (hate those terms) pornography out there. If there wasn’t the demand, it simply wouldn’t exist.

So, in a nutshell, I fancy ladies – whether they have a vagina or a penis. I really don’t mind which. And that’s fine, except when it comes to putting a label on your sexuality.

With transsexual people, it’s easy. If a trans-woman fancied women before her treatment, then she’s a lesbian afterwards. If she fancied guys before, then she’s straight after. Simple.

Not so easy when it comes to non-binary people like moi. As I say, I’ve always considered myself “straight-ish”, in that I fancy cis-women and trans-women. But that’s me talking about myself as being male.

Do we really need so many icons and little boxes?

Now I identify as non-binary, I can’t exactly claim to be any kind of straight anymore, can I? To me, being straight means that you like people of the opposite gender.

But being a non-binary person means there is no opposite gender, because I’m stuck in between male and female on the gender spectrum.

Even if I said I only fancy other non-binary people, that’s still not the opposite gender – it’s the same gender.

Neither male nor female are “opposite” to me – they’re both just at opposite ends of a metre rule, and here I am on 50cm.

Let’s have a look at the different sexuality terms that are around today. According to this website, there are seven types of sexuality.

Now, one of those is about transsexualism, which as we know is nothing to do with sexuality – and everything to do with gender. So that leaves us with six.

1. Heterosexuality: Dead easy, this one – boy likes girl, girl likes boy. But, as discussed, I can’t say I’m straight anymore.
2. Homosexuality: In a nutshell, gay men and lesbians. I’m neither, obviously.
3. Bisexuality: Involves men and women being attracted to both men and women. Again, not one for non-binary people.
4. Asexuality: This applies to people who aren’t attracted to anyone sexually. Well, I am, so again that rules out me.
5. Pansexuality: The sexual attraction towards people regardless of gender. According to that website, some pansexuals refer to themselves as gender-blind “as to them gender is  insignificant in determining whether they will be sexually attracted to others”. Again, I can’t claim to be pansexual because of my aversion to men in a sexual context.
6. Polysexuality: The sexual attraction to more than one gender but where there is “no wish to be known as bisexual as it implies that their are only two binary sexes”.

I suppose number six comes the closest – but then I don’t consider myself to be attracted to more than one gender – only one – women, whether cis or trans.

So, there you go. It seems that solving the issue of what my gender is (non-binary, a term I first heard only just over a year ago), I’ve just created another issue over my sexuality. Great!

Fortunately, I’m quite happy being me, quite happy with my non-binary gender and quite happy with my sexuality, whatever the hell it is. Who needs little boxes anyway?

Andie x