Fools of engagement

Well, the celebrations are over. Less than six weeks after getting engaged, I’m single again. And I’ve just had to bury my cat.

The eagle-eyed among you will notice there’s a post missing from this blog. It was basically a very candid account of how and why I went from being engaged to being single – but it upset Annie as one of her friends read it, so I agreed to take it down.

Let’s just say that the break-up, on Friday night last week, was absolutely awful and I never want to go through anything like that again. I won’t go into detail about how we broke up.

And let’s also just say that being trans was the reason for the break-up. Again, I won’t go into detail, but Annie realised she wanted a regular guy – not someone who hates being a regular guy and would much rather be a regular girl.

The past few days have involved a rollercoaster of emotions, from numbness to anger and grief. The pair of us have spoken about remaining friends, then we’ve fallen out and unfriended/blocked each other on every social media channel going – and then stopped being dicks and started talking like adults again.

Annie’s collected all her things and the house is so quiet again. It’s even more quiet as of today because, last night, my neighbour knocked on my door to tell me that she’d found my cat dead in her garden.

Truffles was 19 and a half, so she’d had a bloody good innings, but I will miss her so much as she’s been my companion all that time. I’ve just had to bury her body in some woodland near where I live. Not an easy thing to do.

So I’ve lost my two best girls in the space of five days. This time last week, everything seemed fine. Annie and I were opening a joint account, talking about wedding dresses and baby names, drinking champagne. And now, in the blink of an eye, it’s all gone.

In other news, I’ve cancelled my ballet lessons. Getting engaged, an expensive holiday, freezing sperm and a car accident in which it turned out my insurance had not automatically renewed means my savings have taken an absolute battering. I’m self-employed and pay myself a pittance, so I really need to watch the pennies now.

Also, I know I’d be rubbish in the dance studio with all this crap going on in my life, so it makes sense to stop – at least for a while. That confidence that I had when Annie and I first got together isn’t exactly there anymore.

Hopefully I can go back in a few months’ time when things are more settled, but it’s a shame as I was getting so close to my exam. I’d nailed most of the exercises and just had the dance to work on. We were looking at December.

I’m also going to quit Slimming World. That should save me a little more money, and I can’t bear the thought of sitting in group when Annie’s mum and stepdad might be there – plus all the other members, many of whom must have thought we were bonkers for getting engaged in the first place and that it wouldn’t last.

The only good thing to come out of all of this is that my friends and family have been absolute stars. I really couldn’t go on without them. All this week, I’ve been meeting them for coffee, for lunch and for dinner.

They’ve bought me flowers, they’ve listened and they’ve given some great advice. They’ve never once judged me. I’ve said it before on here, but I’m so grateful to have them in my life.

Yesterday was pretty awful for a variety of reasons, but one nice thing did happen. I met my mum and dad for lunch at a little farm shop cafe we love. My being trans hasn’t really been mentioned by them since I came out to them during the summer. I don’t see my mum that much, but I see my dad quite a lot as we go to the football. He’s never once asked how my transition’s going.

Anyway, yesterday my mum said she had a little gift for me. She dug in her bag and brought out a new mascara. Apparently, my sister had recommended a certain brand, so my mum bought three – one for her, one for my sister and one for me.

That felt amazing, as she had a fair few wobbles (and understandably so) when I came out as trans to her and my dad. It wasn’t an expensive brand of makeup by any means – but it meant more to me than if she’d bought me a new car.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at. It’s all a bit crappy. Just spoke to my friend Ellen on Facebook Messenger and she says this:

You do seem to be echoing some famous works of fiction at the moment. It’s all preparation for something amazing. You know, like in Star Wars or Harry Potter. The hero(ine) always has to experience heartbreaking loss before the big battle. You’ve lost your Hedwig but you can still make it. You weren’t on your own before Annie and you’re not on your own now – there are loads of people rooting for you.

Good old Ellen. She’s a cherub. She was the one who made me a good-luck card the day I went for my first GIC appointment. She made another for Annie and I when we got engaged.

Anyway, that’s where I’m at. I’m no Harry Potter or Luke Skywalker – I’d rather be Hermione or Leia. I’m skint, I’m grieving the loss of my fiancee and my cat, and I don’t really have much to look forward to anymore.

On top of that, I have my third of three gender clinic appointments next month, and I’m crapping myself that the psychotherapists might deny me HRT because I’m “not trans enough” even though I’m the most trans I’ve ever been and get more trans every day.

I don’t think Annie will mind me putting this here: one of the main issues she struggled with was how far I’d go with my transition. She asked me several times, each time in floods of tears, and I always felt terrible because I couldn’t answer her.

At the moment, I see myself as non-binary. I want to start HRT and have all those wonderful effects it will give me. I will probably present as female more than I do at present. But Annie wanted to know if I’d have surgery, if I’d present as female all the time.

At this present moment, I don’t want surgery and I don’t want to present as female all the time. There’s the option of voice coaching, too, to develop a more feminine voice. But will my ambitions change in five or ten years’ time when estrogen has rewired my brain? Maybe, maybe not. I really can’t say – I don’t have a crystal ball. All I can do is take each day as it comes and carry on doing what I’m doing, taking baby steps.

Anyway, time to sign off now. Sorry if this post has been a bit “woe is me” but it’s been a crappy few days and it helps me to write things down on here, whether everything’s awesome or everything’s absolutely shite.

Andie xxx