“Dirty tranny” – getting verbally and physically attacked (by a trans ally)

I’ve emerged relatively unscathed on my trans journey until now. The other night, I was called a “dirty tranny” and a “thing” by a man during a physical attack. And this is a guy who claims to be a trans ally.

There’s a chap who props up the bar in a pub I frequent who, until now, I’ve always thought of as a trans ally. He calls me “madam” and is always polite and friendly. Or at least, he used to be.

We’ve had our political disagreements on Facebook, where we were both friends – who hasn’t in these days of Brexit, Trump and Tories? But we’ve always just agreed to disagree.

“Say what you like about Trump, he gets things done,” said the chap at the bar once. Let’s call him Dave.

“Like what, Dave?” I asked.

“Well, he’s built a wall.”

“No he hasn’t. What else?”

Dave couldn’t think of anything else. I then pointed out to Dave Trump’s stance when it comes to transgender people, such as banning them all from the US military. Dave’s girlfriend has a transgender daughter. He had no idea.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, Dave shared a transphobic meme on Facebook entitled “Tranny DeVito”. It gives me no pleasure at all to share it here, but this is the picture. It appears to be Danny DeVito’s head Photoshopped on to woman’s body.

So I reported it as hate speech to Facebook. Nothing against Dave – I’d have done it whoever had shared it. Although I suspect that the rest of my Facebook friends wouldn’t have been so insensitive as to have shared it in the first place.

Facebook is notoriously rubbish at removing transphobic material, even though it clearly breaks its own guidelines.

But, on this occasion, the meme was removed. Facebook sent me a message saying it had removed the post and had notified Dave – but not telling him who’d reported it.

I thought that was the end of the matter!

Then I received a private message from Dave, asking if I’d reported the meme. I told him he had and that it was nothing personal – but that the word “tranny” to someone transgender was as offensive as a gay person being called a faggot or a black person being called the N-word.

He apologised, said he saw my point of view said that sometimes he can be a bit of a dinosaur. He also said he’d probably annoyed his girlfriend (don’t forget, she has a trans daughter).

I thought that was the end of the matter!

A couple of days later I noticed that Dave had blocked me on Facebook. Not just unfriended but the full-on block! Sigh!

Then a day or so after that, I popped into the pub for a nightcap. It was late on Saturday and I’d had a few beers. But I was on in a really good mood after my football team won 5-2 and then hanging out with friends.

I saw Dave outside smoking and thought the best thing to do would be to ignore him. A pal had told me earlier that she’d seen him in there at lunchtime, so he must have been drinking solidly for about 12 hours.

I went at sat the bar, ordered a beer and chatted to the barmaid, who’s a friend of mine. A minute or two later in walked Dave and sat on the barstool next to mine. The pub was packed.

I ignored him and carried on talking to the barmaid, but he soon made his move.

Now my memory of what happened is fairly sketchy as I’d was pretty well oiled by this point. But I remember him shouting at me a lot and using the F-word a hell of a lot. I also remember backing away from him at one point – though I don’t remember why. I’d said nothing to him.

He was escorted out of the pub and then I remember lots of people coming up to me to ask if I was OK. Which I was – I’d had a great day, I was sozzled and I didn’t really understand the gravity of what had just happened!

A bit later, when most people had left, the landlord asked me if I wanted to take any action against Dave, but I said no. Probably because I hadn’t registered what had actually happened.

I returned the following night and chatted to the barmaid, who jogged my memory. Dave had called me a “dirty tranny” and a “thing”. He’d also grabbed me by the neck, she said.

Apparently, his “Tranny DeVito” meme had landed him in Facebook Jail for 48 hours and, because of this, he’d missed an order for his business because a customer couldn’t contact him on Messenger. That’s why he was so angry.

I was adamant that I wasn’t going to stop going to the pub because of what happened – why should I? I’d done nothing wrong?

So I returned on Boxing Day night and (I think!) the night after. This time, Dave was at the bar, his girlfriend was also in, and I was the only other person in there. Oh lordy!

I ordered my drink and Dave offered to pay, but I refused. Then I went to sit down and enjoy my pint, reading the day’s news stories on my phone.

And then, to give Dave credit, he apologised. He bought me a shot of something (which again I refused) and brought it to my table. He said he was disgusted with himself and was very, very sorry.

He admitted calling me what I’ve already stated but insisted he grabbed my shirt – not my neck. That would be the bit where I backed away from him.

As he was talking, I felt very uneasy, but he did seem to be genuinely sorry, so I thanked him for his apology.

I also told him that I used to think he was a trans ally – but that no trans ally would ever use those words or act like that towards someone trans.

And I said it was time he got some professional help. This isn’t the first time he’s kicked off in there – I know of at least two other occasions, though neither involving me. He told me he was getting help – so I told him to tell his therapist what had happened.

So that was that! Aside from that, Christmas Day itself was just as fabulous as last Christmas, if not more so. I’ll write a separate blog post about that when I get time.

And I have been partying HARD ever since Christmas Eve Eve! If the Slimming World scales can take my weight, I’ll be re-enrolling as a new member in the new year. I am FAT!!!

But, for now, I have another party to get ready for.

Hope you’ve all had a great Christmas – and have a happy new year.

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