Begin to Hope?

Before you read on, I confess to being a little under the influence of Mr Jack Daniel, of Tennessee. OK, more than a little. It’s 12.35am and the sour mash is doing its thing. I’ve been working all day and now I can’t work anymore. The alcohol rain has stopped play. I can still write, though. It’s all good.

Hello dear reader! How the f*ck are ya! I thought I’d better update the old blog…

FIVE MINUTES PASSES

Yeah, right. I wrote that and then went away to listen to a song. It’s called Obsolete. It’s basically about someone feeling a bit, ya know, inadequate. Topical.

It’s 12.49am. Sunday into Monday. I’m listening to a new album on Spotify. On there, you can see which of your friends is listening to what. Everyone’s asleep now. Apart from me and buddy Phil, who’s listening to someone I’ve never heard of.

So, update time. Georgie and are going for counselling. It was my idea. I’m scared, I’m really terrified. I don’t know what I’m scared of – maybe of the process, maybe of the process not working. Maybe of the process working!

Despite breaking up, we’ve seen a lot of each other just lately, dining out in the last two weekends. It’s all gone swimmingly. We’ve got on famously, there’s been that “connection”, it’s basically felt like we’re dating again. I’ve felt a love I rarely felt when we were together. A case of you don’t realise what you have until it’s gone, I guess.

So, yep, I suggested we go for some relationship counselling and, to my amazement, she agreed. So I started looking round at various agencies – Relate and the like. In the end, we settled on Derbyshire LGBT+, formerly Derbyshire Friend. It’s in the same building in which I went to the trans support meeting a year or so ago, back when I began this blog.

So we’re off there on Tuesday afternoon – tomorrow afternoon. THE TRANS THING is something Georgie and I find hard to talk about, so, the past couple of times we’ve met, it’s only been mentioned as we’ve said goodbye at the end of the night.

“Are you OK about Tuesday?” Questions like that. The answer’s always the same – she can’t see any way past her fears. Maybe that’s why I’m so scared. But she says she’s willing to try – and that maybe the counsellors can suggest something that she’s not considered before. I just urge her to go in there with an open mind, saying that if she goes in thinking that it won’t work, it won’t work.

Update to follow tomorrow, I guess.

Meanwhile, a musical artist called Regina Spektor is touring here for the first time in years and I bought two tickets a few months back. I asked Georgie if she’d like to come but, to be fair, she’s working that day, and the following day.

So I asked the lady who got me into Regina in the first place. And, to my amazement, she said she’d love to come.

Let’s call her Emma. I met her through work back in 2009. We had a couple of dates and I fell truly, madly, deeply in love. Things didn’t develop because of “the trans thing” and now she’s married with a baby.

Funny how the trans thing has never been an issue until then – and now it is again. And now I’m going to see her again.

So Emma and I have been busy catching up on Twitter Messenger tonight – something I don’t think existed when we first found each other.

I’m really looking forward to seeing her again – not from a romantic point of view, plenty of water under the bridge since those days – but because I remember such a vivid, vibrant personality – and because she got me into the artist in the first place.

I’m listening to the album still. A track called Happy New Year now. Happy New Year, folks. A message of hope. That’s better than Obsolete, eh?

Andie x