Hi, I’m Andie, a 40-something trans woman (well, nearly!) from the Midlands, in the UK.
This blog is intended as a diary, from the day I asked my GP for a referral to the local gender identity clinic to the many months of waiting and dozens of hospital and clinic appointments as part of the NHS Pathway process before finally beginning HRT.
As well as the highs and lows of the present and my hopes and fears for the future, I also write about what has happened on my transgender journey in the past, right from when I was age six or seven and first realised I was trans. One day, I shall publish a book, if I ever get round to finishing it!
This blog will hopefully help me when looking back on how far I’ve come in the future – and I hope it can help other trans people on similar journeys.
Finally, this is a TERF-free zone, so don’t bother sending transphobic hate mail via this blog. It won’t be published, so don’t waste your time. It’s a simple philosophy but one I’ve always stood by: be nice.
Elf Prince approves and now fully intends on stalk- I mean.. paying attention 😉 to every word said here and probably quoting some of the words used <3 <3
Ha ha! Welcome aboard, beautiful Elf Prince! xx
Hello Andie, I am a 22-year-old mtf. I have some problems in losing weight. I am heavy now(5’8”, 176 lbs), and I want to become as slim as possible, so I started to lose weight. However, I found that I have a large frame(very broad shoulders and ribcage), which very very upset me. I am not sure , will it make a big difference when I lose my weight to125 lbs. Have you idea?
Hi Zeo, thanks for the message. All I can tell you is that I feel and look a lot better for having lost the weight, though I still have some way to go as I put some back on over Christmas. Weight loss won’t affect your ribcage at all. You may lose a little off your shoulders but HRT would help reduce the muscle mass there. 125lb does sound very low for your height, so be careful not to go far.
Hi Andie! I came across your blog by chance, and after reading some posts of yours regarding your transition, I am definitely going to ‘stay tuned’! We are close to the same age, and we both started our HRT not too far apart.
You inspire me to keep some sort of record as well. Maybe a blog? Not sure yet. Would be fun to compare posts, and learn from each other.
You rock it girl!
Alyssa
USA
Thanks Alyssa! Great to hear from you and I hope your journey’s going well. I find that writing everything down has really helped me – both in terms of remembering things and as a way of sorting out my head. There’s gonna be a book one day, too, but not for a while.
Love to the US!
Andie xxx
Oh wow. I can’t tell you how overjoyed I was to find this blog. Sitting and reading non-stop for the past few hours, right through till morning, your blog has given me new hope. So inspiring.
I realized very early in life something was not right about the me in my head, and the me in the mirror. They were not the same person. But in a country where men don’t get to question sexuality, I was forced to accept what I see in the mirror as truth. It never stopped my self image to be something very different though, but I had to keep that to myself.
The last 3 years though ( I am now 43) I have suffered acute depression, and had to seek help, delving into aspects I’d buried very far away for very long. And coming to terms with who I really am. Scariest thing in the world. Realizing what you did to yourself for so long. I placed myself in an abusive relationship with myself. If that makes sense.
It’s been a few weeks now since my rude awakening, and I’m scared af. I know what needs to get done, but I can’t get myself to do it. I can hardly out myself to myself. But reading this blog (yes let’s get back to my point) has giving me a lot of hope. I have a long road to travel emotionally and psychologically before I am ready to even think about transitioning, but if this blog is something to go by, I have nothing to fear from the actual process at least.
Now to get past myself first, so that I can be the person I once met in my head. And somehow (omg this part scares me) introduce her to everyone.
Anyways. Thank you for being you.
Hi Charlie, thanks so much for the amazing comment, and I wish you all the best for the future. We all develop at different rates. Some trans people know right from when they’re toddlers. For others it’s later. I know one lady who didn’t realise she was trans at all until middle age. I knew very young, but didn’t think I’d be brave enough to ever come out. If you’d have asked me five years ago, I’d have laughed. Yet here I am, en femme at work every day and on HRT.
If I could give one piece of advice to you, it would be the same advice I give to myself: don’t rush it. Take baby steps. Do one thing and then, when you’re comfortable with that, move on to the next one. And then the next one. Every time you clear a hurdle, you’ll be more confident and ready for the next one. Even I have a few more to clear, but they’re pretty few and far between now.
Good luck, and get in touch if you need any more advice,
Andie xxx
Hi Andie. I stumbled upon your wonderful page looking for fashion advice for my daughter. She’s 8 and I’m having trouble finding the perfect jeans for her to feel comfortable wearing. Then I clicked around and found your ballet post and it made me so happy.. My daughter is also in ballet and she also has amazing instructors, so we’re very fortunate. We live in Maine, US. Thanks for writing and allowing the rest of us into your life.
Great
Hi Andie,am 25. Have always been struggling to find fashion that fits me all from childhood up something that has made me lack self-esteem and filled with depression. Advise me even in terms of photos on how I will manage to look at least or good in that I have short neck,broad shoulders,big breasts,flat stomach,sized buttocks,short height 150cm,and not sexy *fat legs towards the knees at the back “muscled” and narrow downwards*
I rely on jamsuits only all time I want change. I just don’t want to kill myself over this Andie,am tired.
Hi Andie
I’m on the eternal waiting list for Nottingham as well and I’m so, so happy to find your blog. I’ve gone back to the start and have a lot to catch up on. So far you’ve helped me a lot. My previous miserable life has left me rather(!) overweight but I’ve finally started to do something about that. You are an excellent writer and I think I have many hours of pleasant and informative reading ahead of me.
My GP told me that going as a male was prefered to start with, it seems that is not the case, so I’ll get practising on make-up. All the information I’ve seen implies that you go to the Center BEFORE doing anything, that always struck me as strange.
Have a Great Day
Natasha (Mum’s name for me if the sperm and egg had got it right)
Hi Natasha, welcome aboard, and your page views are doing wonders for my visitor stats – feel free to click on the occasional advert or two!!!
I’m so happy to hear my ramblings have helped you. That was always one of the main reasons for writing the blog in the first place, as well as an aide memoire for me.
Not sure what your GP’s on about. If you are MTF, the clinic may wonder why you’re presenting as male. I think your doc’s got that wrong.
Natasha’s a lovely name – I would have been Victoria, but I didn’t fancy that!
Any questions – ask away!
Andie xxx
Victoria always brings to mind Toffs at Henley or Wimbledon, good call there. Mum decided to go boy/girl with us kids but, just for me, had two names picked out. I’ll be keeping quiet about that being a factor in my issues though.
I’ve just stumbled on your blog about baldness. I’ve got long hair on the sides and back. I look a bit like Bill Bailey, but without the goatee beard. Actually I look more like Terry Nutkins, with a big tummy and bulging shoulder, biceps and thigh muscles. Everything I don’t want to be is what I am. I’d like to wake up and look as beautiful as Karen Carter, dressed as Wonder Woman. Maybe I am not trying hard enough. Being built for playing rugby or laying bricks is far off from my ideal. So reading your story is great. And, to be honest, I only found your blog after I typed in Bald Transgender into Google. Still, I am very glad I found you. Don’t stop writing, carry on being you and being inspiring. And thank you. Thank you for doing what you do.
Hi Andi
Yes, I’ve also stumbled across your blog, but I’m so glad I’m did. As a Midlands girl myself, perhaps I empathise with the self-depreciating humour? Anyhow, I’m on Day 3 of Hormines and I’m a life dreamer late starter (54). I search for comfort in blogs that reassure that change will arrive, eventually.
Thanks
Rachel
Best of luck with it, Rachel! And don’t worry about the age thing – it’s never too late, and at 54 you’re a spring chicken, ducky! xxx