So you wanna be a trans ally? Great, here are five tips to help you!

I’ve written so much on this blog about transphobia – all about the TERFs and their campaign of hate towards trans people. But while they might shout the loudest, it’s important to remember that these bigots are a tiny minority. Most people these days seem to be very accepting towards trans people. These are known as trans allies.

I have a theory that most people start out as a teeny bit transphobic – that they see trans people, especially trans women, as people who are a bit weird, and certainly fair game for being the butt of jokes.

Being a trans person in the closet for many decades, I can remember several people I know making jibes at trans people. They kinda stuck in my mind – and possibly made it harder to come out because I was worried what they might think and that I might lose their friendship.

Now I’m out, and these very same people have become trans allies. I think people generally can sometimes struggle to understand trans people until they actually know one or two.

So, in my case, they see me as trans, they know I’m a nice person, and so this translates into acceptance of trans people. By the same token, if someone who was an absolute arsehole came out as trans, I guess that could work the other way, with cis people tarring all trans people with the same brush. Thankfully, most trans people are awesome.

Anyway, I regard most of the people in my life as trans allies – from friends, to family (that was harder, but everything’s fine now – we got there in the end!) to colleagues and people working in shops or other services, who I come across in my daily life.

So what is a trans ally? Well, according to this website:

A trans ally is someone who commits to being open-minded and respectful to people who may have different or unconventional gender identities or presentations; who takes the time to learn more about trans people and trans lives; who confronts assumptions around gender roles and gender presentation; and who works to change the misunderstanding and mistreatment of trans people.

I reckon that explains the term better than I could.

So let’s say that, until now, you didn’t know anyone (openly) transgender – and you want to be supportive towards them.

So here are my tips to help you become a top trans ally.

1. Don’t deadname them: In my case, I changed my name legally from Andrew to Andie. I was known as Andy anyway, so I just changed the spelling to make it easy for people. Otherwise, I’d have gone with Audrey, after Ms Hepburn. It might be tricky at first, but make the effort to use their new name. You’ll make them feel great if you do so and, by the same token, you’ll make them feel terrible if you use their old name, their “deadname”.
2. Ask which pronouns they prefer – and USE THEM! MTF trans people usually prefer she/her, while FTM trans people generally prefer he/his. But that’s not always the case, especially if someone identifies as non-binary. So ask which they prefer – and then make the effort to use them. As with the new name, it’s gonna take some effort on your part at first, but then it will soon become second nature. It’s OK to slip up occasionally – just apologise – but getting the pronouns (or name) wrong more often than not is NOT OK. You have got to make the effort, or you’ll keep on getting the name/pronouns wrong – which will cause your pal to feel bad, and you to feel bad when you keep getting corrected all the time.
3. Talk to them! They’ve just come out to you as trans. Don’t make this an elephant in the room – something that mustn’t ever be mentioned again. Your pal has probably spent years in the closet, too frightened to even think about discussing trans matters. Now they’re out and they’re starting to feel liberated. They’re gonna want to talk about it – so ask them questions. Just be careful which ones you ask. From my experience, trans people LOVE to talk about their journeys because they’ve simply not been able to for so many years.
4. Do more research. Out of all the people who I’ve told I’m trans (and this was over two years ago when I came out), I know of only one has gone on to do more research. That’s my cousin Dave. He’s a quite a simple chap, he likes his beer and his football, proper salt of the earth. Very likeable. He was supportive from day one – but he admitted to me that he didn’t really understand what I was going through. So he went online and read shed-loads of material about what it means to be trans. That meant so much to me when he did that.
5. Defend their honour! Trans people, sadly, still get a fair bit of stick from certain people – whether that’s some crazed TERF or just some pissed-up bloke in a pub doorway. If someone has a pop at your pal, please try to stand up for them. I don’t mean putting yourself in danger – but a gentle word in the ear of a transphobe can work wonders. This happened to me down the pub a couple of weeks ago when a bloke asked me: “What the fuck d’ya think you’re wearing?” My pal Bob had a word in this guy’s shell-like, and it felt amazing that he’d got my back.

If you follow these five simple rules, you’ll be a trans ally in no time at all. It’s basic stuff really, just treating people with respect, whether or not they’re slightly different to you. We’re all human, at the end of the day.

Andie xxx