As someone who identifies as transfeminine non-binary, I’ve never gone so far as to call myself a woman.
Sometimes I refer to myself as a trans woman – and that’s just because it’s easier than having to explain about the whole fact that gender’s a spectrum and that some people don’t fit into being 100% male or 100% female.
Like it or not, it’s far more complicated than that. Some people are intersex, and some people are non-binary.
I met a friend for drinks the other night – it was the first time I’d seen her, apart from brief “hellos” in the city centre, for about two years.
We got onto speaking about matters non-binary, and she reminded me that, back then, I told her that I felt 70% female and 30% male. Being non-binary doesn’t necessarily mean 50/50.
It’s a bit like being bisexual. Just because a woman might be attracted to blokes 95% of the time and women 5% of the time, it doesn’t make her straight. She’s still bi. You’re on the spectrum, girl! Don’t worry about it, though, it’s just a label.
I’ve written on here before about people’s obsession with little boxes and pigeon holes. And I spoke about my gender with Sally during my last appointment at the gender clinic.
She asked me: “Do you consider yourself a woman now?”
And I replied no: still non-binary. Don’t get me wrong, I’m much further along the “journey into womanhood” than I was two years ago, when I told my pal I was 70/30.
I’m probably 95/5 now. Will I ever get to 100% and call myself a woman? I dunno, possibly, probably even. Once the hormones have given me all the curves, once I’ve had surgery (if I have surgery), then yeah, why not?
Some trans women consider themselves women right from the word go. Maybe they’re still presenting as male and not “out” yet. I’m fine with that. If you identify as a woman, great. You go, girl!
But, right now, I’m perfectly happy with my little non-binary pigeonhole, thanks. I’m not a woman, I’m on a journey. If I get there, great. If I don’t, and identify as transfeminine non-binary for the rest of my days, that’s great, too.
I’m perfectly happy just being me. More so than ever before. I’m on a journey. Back when I was age five, I considered myself 100% male. I was a boy – and very happy to be so.
It wasn’t until I was six or seven, that I realised something was different. I hadn’t heard of the term non-binary until a few years ago, but I guess I was non-binary from that very early age – I just didn’t know it then.
At some point (and I’d love to know when), I would have identified as 50% male and 50% female. Two years ago, it was 70/30. Now we’re at 95/5.
And this IS a thing. I know other NB people on exactly the same journey as me. My journey into womanhood is just that, a journey. I’m not one of those trans people who knows straight away that they’re “in the wrong body”. For me, the process has taken longer. And I’m fine with that.
With each passing year, I get closer to that womanhood goal. But I’m not heaping pressure on myself to get there asap. When it happens, it happens. If it does.
So with all that in mind, it makes me cry laughing when TERFs leave silly little comments, never to be published, on here telling me: “YOU’RE NOT A WOMAN!!!!!” (why do they use so many exclamation marks?)
My reaction is like: “Yeah, I know. Er, never said I was. What’s your point, sweetheart? Also, don’t you have a life to be getting on with instead of banging on about someone else’s chromosomes and genitals?”
Their lives must be so empty if all they have to fill them with is keyboard-warrior hatred. I’ve been slagged off by Posie Parker in Parliament (what a badge of honour!) so anything else is chicken feed, water off a duck’s back. Other birds are available.
When the TERFs tell me: “YOU’LL NEVER BE A WOMAN!!!!!!!!” that’s different. For one, that’ just their opinion. For two, I don’t care for their opinion. For three, if I don’t know whether or not I’ll end up a woman, how the f*ck do they?!
I think, if I wasn’t surrounded by such supportive friends and (on the whole!) family, I could let this get to me. But nah. To paraphrase Chumbawamba, I got knocked down – then I got up again.
You were never, ever gonna keep me down.
Andie xxx
I once heard
Soupdragon says
I just don’t understand why it bothers them so much. If they don’t think you’re a ‘real’ woman, then that’s their prerogative (had to look up how to spell that, it’s the heat!). We can’t change their thoughts and I suppose they have the right to think that way… but why do they need to shout about it so much? I keep seeing people on Twitter with things like “don’t call me cis” in their bios. In their bios! It matters so much to them that it’s one of the most important things they can think to say about themselves. I started blocking them all but now I prefer to wait until they say something I can report. But still, my main point is – why do they even care? They call themselves radical feminists but I don’t keep shouting “You’ll never be a REAL feminist” at them. Bunch o’ twats
Andie Pas de Deux says
Pathetic, isn’t it? You’re right, though, they’re not REAL feminists. They’re barely even real humans. Real feminists put their time and efforts to good causes, such as smashing the patriarchy, not sitting behind a keyboard slagging off trans people. My theory is simple: most of them have been abused by men at some point in the past. And that’s awful. But now they have a fear of men in general – and see trans women as literally nothing more than men in frocks, ready to rape them in the ladies’. I know of several TERFs who’ve admitted to being abused, so it’s a theory that holds water. I don’t get anything like the amount of transphobic abuse I used to get since I quit Trans Twitter (I still have a general account for football, politics and the like) but I still get a few messages on here. I refuse to publish them, so they’re wasting their time. And sorry, TERFies, but you’re cis. End of. All cis means is “not trans”. So if you’re not cis, well, you do the maths.
Soupdragon says
I think you’re right. They hate men and therefore a “man” who is trying to “infiltrate their ranks” has to be the worst type of all. It’s very sad.
The whole toilet thing is a nonsense. If a rapist wants to get into the ladies’ toilets they’ll go in anyway, regardless of whether they’re trans or not. Equating trans with sex crimes just because *some* have committed atrocities is akin to saying all Muslims are terrorists in my opinion. In other words, total bollocks.
And it’s still too bloody hot. Ah dunna like it
Andie Pas de Deux says
Yep, they’re worrying about something that simply does not happen. Trans people just wanna have a wee (or worse!) in peace! The TERFs can whinge all they like – the likelihood of the Equality Act being rolled back to prevent trans women using the ladies’ is zero.
And yeah, I like it warm but there’s warm and there’s warm.
Soupdragon says
And another thing. It’s too bloody hot!
Andie Pas de Deux says
It is, inttit, ducky?! I spent the entire weekend in various beer gardens and am now as brown as a berry!
Jackie says
I’m nb as well, but I’m really new to all this and this post got me to think about how much male vs how much female i feel as, and honestly I’m still confused, but your blog is really inspiring and helpful!
Andie Pas de Deux says
You’re very welcome, Jackie, and welcome to the blog!
Yep, being non-binary certainly throws up many questions, the main one being: am I non-binary?!
The important thing is to get reliable information from other NB people – and to listen to your heart. It’s hard enough sometimes figuring out who you are without input from bigots.
I think that being enby can be hard for even MTF or FTM trans people to really comprehend as they see themselves at opposite ends of the spectrum.
But there are more enbies out there than you might think – I even met one on Sunday night where I live.
There’s also a really good website here: http://beyondthebinary.co.uk
Best of luck!
Big hugs, Andie xxx