It’s time to move on. Annie and I have not been getting on too well of late, putting it mildly. But instead of getting bitter and full of rage, I’m going to reflect on a few positives from the whole relationship and its aftermath.
I f*cked up this morning. I’m a night owl anyway, but my body clock is even more broken than normal, so I didn’t get to sleep until gone 5am.
Last weekend, Annie and I quarrelled yet again and she said some pretty nasty things about me – things I believe she should apologise for.
I won’t repeat them here to spare her blushes. In her defence, she was hammered, but that’s still no excuse for saying what she said.
Anyway, I was re-reading these messages at 4am today – they were sent by text message, Whatsapp and Facebook – and I accidentally pressed the wrong button on my phone.
It was the button that started a video call to her mobile phone. Great! I cancelled it immediately, but she must have woken this morning to a missed call – from the ex. At 4am. Stalker alert!
Needless to say I’m blocked again. So the whole “let’s stay friends” thing doesn’t look like it’s going to work out. If we ever are to be friends, I guess it won’t be for a long time.
And that kinda sucks because, aside from falling out, I rather enjoyed the time we spent together. I proposed to her, for heaven’s sake, I loved her.
But this post is supposed to be about the positives from our relationship, so let me recap on a few of those. I don’t want to look back at this relationship and remember the last couple of weeks – I want to remember our early friendship, our courtship and our engagement. Even if it didn’t work out in the end.
I’ve just chatted with my pal Ellen, on Facebook Messenger. This is someone who’s very mature, and very wise. She said this:
“There will be somebody relatively normal out there for you somewhere. But I think you need to work out who you want to be first.”
And on this, she and Annie concur. And, though I hate to admit defeat, they’re both probably right. Then this:
“What she did give you was the confidence to go out on the town en femme and spend a week thus too – without her you may not have reached that stage for a long time.”
Hence this post.
I have come a hell of a long way this year. Looking back at this blog from earlier this year, I was at rock bottom. I’d taken the break-up with Georgie really badly, I was being attacked by Mumsnet TERFs online and I was still nervously waiting for my first gender clinic appointment. I was depressed and I was afraid.
Then enter Annie. We became friends back in May and one thing led to another. We became engaged – and I loved her with every fibre of my being.
She was my little ray of sunshine. She put a spring in my step. She was supportive and I could confide in her about anything. She was never pushy about me being trans, preferring to coax me out of my shell.
And it worked. She gave me a confidence I’ve never felt before. That enabled me to take my first steps en femme to a restaurant in the town where I live. And it went perfectly.
After that, I was able to go out en femme in Derby, Nottingham, Birmingham and Sheffield – each time getting more confident. I also spent a week presenting as female in Greece, even getting the flights to and from Santorini in my gladrags.
With this new-found confidence, I was able to tell my parents about being trans, I came out to “everyone who knows me” on Facebook and I went on a hen night. Annie even signed my Deed Poll to legally change my name to Andie. We planned to move to Australia together, to have children together. My sperm are safely frozen away at the QMC!
Aside from that, I have some beautiful memories of our time together – sipping beers together in the sunshine on our Sunday afternoons together, getting to know each other at Monsal Head, watching movies in our candlelit grotto, and a perfect holiday in Santorini.
The way we broke up was heartbreaking but I’m going to dwell on that no longer – all it does is cause bitterness and pain, so there’s no point. It’s just wasted energy.
Now I am feeling happier, I’m seeing loads more of my friends, which is ace, and I’m totally back “on it” at Slimming World. My rule of no longer drinking wine at home is back in force, so the weight I’ve gained in recent weeks will soon melt away. I’ve also started cycling again.
So things are looking up and, after speaking to a few trans friends, I’m clearer in terms of who I want to become, too.
All this comes back to Annie. I couldn’t have done any of the things I achieved over the past few months without her, so I want to thank her for that. Despite her “moments”, she’s an absolutely brilliant person. That’s why so many people regard her as their best friend.